The Sewing Place

The joke thread

UttaRetch

The joke thread
« on: March 17, 2017, 19:55:20 PM »
These notes were left in milk bottles:

Please send me details about cheap milk as I am stagnant.

Dear milkman I've just had a baby, please leave another one.

Please leave an extra pint of paralysed milk.

Milk is needed for the baby. Father is unable to supply it.

Please don't leave any more milk. All they do is drink it.

Milkman, please close the gate behind you because the birds keep pecking the tops off the milk.

Milkman, please could I have a loaf but not bread today.

Please cancel milk. I have nothing coming into the house but two sons on the dole.

Sorry not to have paid your bill before, but my wife had a baby and I've been carrying it around in my pocket for weeks.

Sorry about yesterday's note. I didn't mean one egg and a dozen pints, but the other way round.

When you leave my milk knock on my bedroom window and wake me because I want you to give me a hand to turn the mattress.

Please knock. My TV's broken down and I missed last night's Coronation Street. If you saw it, will you tell me what happened over a cup of tea.

My daughter says she wants a milkshake. Do you do it before you deliver or do I have to shake the bottle?

Please send me a form for cheap milk, for I have a baby two months old and did not know about it until a neighbour told me.

From now on please leave two pints every other day and one pint on the days in between, except Wednesdays and Saturdays when I don't want any milk.

Cancel one pint after the day after today.

My back door is open. Please put milk in 'fridge, get money out of cup in drawer and leave change on kitchen table in pence, because we want to play bingo tonight.

Please leave no milk today. When I say today, I mean tomorrow, for I wrote this note yesterday.

When you leave the milk please put the coal on the boiler, let dog out and put newspaper inside the porch door. P.S. Don't leave any milk.

No milk. Please do not leave milk at No. 14 either as he is dead until further notice.
 
« Last Edit: May 18, 2017, 15:51:13 PM by Francesca »
What goes around comes around.

Maximum

Re: The joke thread
« Reply #1 on: March 17, 2017, 22:30:20 PM »
I love the idea of a joke thread and laughed out loud at several of the milkman jokes. Clean humour is so refreshing :D. I don't suppose youngsters even know what a milkman is/was never mind that milk comes from cows!
If this appears twice, my apologies, I typed it out once and it evaporated into the ether so I've done it again, just hope you only read it once.

hernibs

Re: The joke thread
« Reply #2 on: March 17, 2017, 23:48:29 PM »
Thanks - I think I've heard of some of them before but worth a second read....no doubt we'll now get the Insurance Company 'excuses' and 'reasons' for accidents.

hernibs

Re: The joke thread
« Reply #3 on: March 17, 2017, 23:59:04 PM »
My son sent me this....an elderly Florida lady did her shopping and upon returning to her car found four males in the act of leaving with her vehicle.  She dropped her bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at the top of her voice 'I have a gun, and I know how to use it!  Get out of the car!"
The four men didn't wait for a second inviataion.  They got out and ran like mad.  The lady, somewhat shaken, then proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the car and get into the driver's seat.  She was so shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition.  She tried and tried and then it dawned on her why.
A few minutes later she found her own car parked four or five spaces further down.  She loaded her bags into the car and then drove to the Police Station.  The sergeant to whom she told the story nearly tore himself in two with laughter.  He pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale men were reporting a car jacking by a mad, elderly woman described as white, less than five feet tall, glasses, curly white hair and carrying a large handgun.
No charges were filed.

UttaRetch

Re: The joke thread
« Reply #4 on: March 18, 2017, 08:22:16 AM »
For all who work with rude customers, shame we can't actually do this!

An award should go to the Virgin Airlines desk attendant in Sydney some months ago for being smart and funny, while making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo.

A crowded Virgin flight was cancelled after Virgin's 767s had been withdrawn from service. A single attendant was re-booking a long line of inconvenienced travellers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk.

He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, 'I HAVE to be on this flight and it HAS to be FIRST CLASS'.

The attendant replied, 'I'm sorry, sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these people first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out.'

The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, 'DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?'

Without hesitating, the attendant smiled and grabbed her public address microphone:

'May I have your attention please, may I have your attention please,' she began - her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal - 'we have a passenger here at Desk 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to Desk 14.'

With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the Virgin attendant, gritted his teeth and said,  '**** You!'

Without flinching, she smiled and said,

'I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to get in line for that too.'
What goes around comes around.

Iminei

Re: The joke thread
« Reply #5 on: March 18, 2017, 08:23:21 AM »
Beautiful, Beautiful...Thank you retch for starting this!
The Imperfect Perfectionist sews again

UttaRetch

Re: The joke thread
« Reply #6 on: March 18, 2017, 08:29:43 AM »
I have more, but some of them are really long and others just plain filthy.  I will be posting suitable jokes over the coming days.
What goes around comes around.

b15erk

Re: The joke thread
« Reply #7 on: March 18, 2017, 08:55:52 AM »
Thanks UR, that made me chuckle!  Great idea for a thread!

Jessie
Jessie, who is very happy to be here!!  :),  but who has far too many sewing machines to be healthy, and a fabric stash which is becoming embarrassing.


hernibs

Re: The joke thread
« Reply #8 on: March 18, 2017, 11:12:19 AM »
Great joke indeed UR - thanks for sharing.

UttaRetch

Re: The joke thread
« Reply #9 on: March 18, 2017, 13:26:46 PM »
A tourist walked into a pet shop and was looking at the animals on display. While he was there, another customer walked in and said to the shopkeeper, "I'll have a trainee solicitor monkey please." The shopkeeper nodded, went over to a cage full of monkeys and took out a monkey. He fitted a collar and leash, handed it to the customer, saying, "That'll be £10,000." The customer paid and walked out with his monkey.

Startled, the tourist went over to the shopkeeper and said, "That was a very expensive monkey. Most of them are only a few hundred pounds. Why did it cost so much?" The shopkeeper answered, "Ah, that monkey can do legal research and draft documents very fast, no mistakes, well worth the money."

The tourist looked at the monkeys in another cage. "They're even more expensive! £30,000! What do they do?" "Oh, they're fee earner monkeys; they can answer all legal questions, draft complicated documents from scratch, mark-up agreements, write letters and bill clients. All the difficult, really useful stuff," said the shopkeeper.

The tourist looked around for a little longer and saw a third monkey all by itself in a cage of its own, eating a banana. The price tag around its neck read £200,000. He gasped to the shopkeeper, "That one costs more than all the others put together! What on earth does it do?"

The shopkeeper replied, "Well, I haven't actually seen it do anything yet, but it says it's a partner."
What goes around comes around.

Nattywoo

Re: The joke thread
« Reply #10 on: March 18, 2017, 15:46:39 PM »
UR, your Australian desk attendant story reminded me of something which happened to my daughter when she was working in a clothes shop.
She was working at the till when a man turned up with a crying baby. He put the baby on the counter and said: 'There's something wrong with this baby, can I give it back and get a refund'?
My daughter responded 'Of course, if you have the till receipt'.

Apparently people who were queuing behind did not mind him jumping the queue, as they were laughing their heads off.

Ploshkin

Re: The joke thread
« Reply #11 on: March 18, 2017, 15:54:56 PM »
Two genuine notes I had when I was a primary school teacher in a long past life
- David was off yesterday because  he had diarrear through a hole in his shoe

and
Dear miss, please can Tracy suck her fisherman's friend in class
Life's too short for ironing.

UttaRetch

Re: The joke thread
« Reply #12 on: March 18, 2017, 16:04:00 PM »
 0_0  0_0  0_0
What goes around comes around.

MrIminei

Re: The joke thread
« Reply #13 on: March 18, 2017, 20:09:26 PM »
Did you hear about the dyslexic pimp?
Punchline: Please
He bought a warehouse.
« Last Edit: March 18, 2017, 21:19:24 PM by C3PO »
Head butler to a Siamese cat.
Iminei's husband & chauffeur to quilting emporia.
When she asked me if I wanted to be her slave this wasn't at all what I had in mind.

shadykittykat

Re: The joke thread
« Reply #14 on: March 18, 2017, 20:12:24 PM »
 0_0 0_0 0_0 MrIminei I like that one
Kate
Running, sewing, eating.....
Wandering warily in warmest Worcestershire